Wisdom. The never-ending search. The permanent carrot on the stick. I don't remember actually asking for it or truly, consciously desiring it. Wisdom. "It comes with age." They say. "It comes with experience." But they don't say, "It comes with bruising and aching and tears." No one says, "It hides in the minutia of your 24-7 life." It's too bad life - all things "life" is - doesn't come with an owner's manual, a program, a script. No map. No list of things to do - at least not one prescribed for us. Who really knows what tomorrow will bring??? When you think about it to that degree, it's really frightening that we're all like a bunch of pinballs wacking against one bumper and jump-jumping against another with a jolt here and another jolt there only to crash into another bumper or even another pinball without warning. But like a pinball machine, life just explodes with sounds and celebrations, points adding up on the screen like minuscule nuggets of wisdom growing and adding up with every bump, bump, jolt.
I'm such a dork for analogies and metaphors.
But seriously, though, with each passing day, week, month, year of my life, I'm learning to appreciate the minutia more intensely than ever before. Even the bumps and the bruises. It sounds so trite to write it here, but who'd have ever thought that I could be grateful for pain and suffering. "Uh oh!" her friends think aloud, "She's really finally losing it. Time to call in for an intervention." Too late. God keeps taking care of that. He keeps intervening and maybe He is making me crazy on purpose. Oh well. It's up to Him. Not me.
How can a divorced (once I can afford the divorce) middle-aged (gross) overweight woman with two precious boys to raise - one with special needs - with ridiculous financial woes and lots of family drama to boot be so incredibly grateful for her life? I don't know. You might think I'm drinking or just delirious, but I don't think I am. With all the drama, there's been so much reward. Especially in my children.
Could Danny be more amazing? He's such a loving young man with so much concern and love in his heart - especially for people with special needs. Where does that come from? God. He loves his baby brother with a heart that is much larger than his body could possibly hold. His patience is limitless and his understanding is so beyond his years. Danny Ackman is one of my favorite gifts from my creator and he teaches me how to be a better person every day of my life.
Mr. Carter James is pretty freaking awesome too. He has brought me to my knees on every level and range of emotion possible. From desperation regarding his health and well-being to hideous crazed moments of rage and panic and fear to fountains of tears from joy and pride in his simplest words in the quietest of moments. Yet another favorite gift from my creator. Definitely, a more exhausting one, but my boys are both my treasures none-the-less.
This pinball machine is gladly getting older and more mature, and while I'm grateful for the points I'm earning through experience developing wisdom, I could gladly be considered Out of Order to spend a little time in a shop with a quiet, wise repairman protecting us from the banging and pinging and wacking around. Just for a while. Because I know the rewards do pay off, and I am so grateful for the game, and if I have to keep playing, I'll just remember the score board and trust.
WOW! That's all I have to say...WOW! OK...that's not all I have to say, because it's me we are talking about and I can talk a mile a minute. Had a rough couple of nights and reading this helps me to put things in perspective. As always and as usual, you have once again inspired me to be a better person because of who YOU are! Thanks.
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